


We Need To Talk

by BlueEyesBaby



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Cancer, Drama, Fluff, Harry Styles - Freeform, Harry Styles-centric, Harry-centric, Letters, Louis Tomlinson - Freeform, M/M, Major character death - Freeform, Memories, Romance, Sad, Secrets, Sick!Harry, Sickfic, What Have I Done, larry stylinson au, sad!harry, the letters will explain everything
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-03-18
Updated: 2015-05-22
Packaged: 2018-03-18 12:17:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,695
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3569366
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BlueEyesBaby/pseuds/BlueEyesBaby
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He screamed and yelled, slammed doors and bit his bottom lip in fear. He couldn't have just left the apartment around a quarter before midnight to make a walk without even leaving a post-it, that wasn't any of his habits.. Until he arrived into Harry's office room, where he finds every single document and sheet he owns on the floor. Just anything wasn't in its place. Though, the only thing that caught his eyes were two letters. One of them was a mess of words, barely readable. The second one seemed to clarify things a little better.. But never did he expect this.</p><p>'Dear Louis,' read the first letter. A new sentence followed. 'Don't worry about me, I'm fine -' </p><p>-</p><p>AU in which Harry is sick, full of secrets, and suddenly dissapears. The only thing he leaves and sends are letters.. And there might be a chance they'll never see each other again.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Flashback

**Author's Note:**

> Hi, this is my first fanfic here on ao3, so please keep in mind that I'm probably shit at writing. But well.. alright, this is going to be a fanfic or a 'short fic' written through letters. It's mostly from Harry's perspective. Make sure you prepare for some drama (such as sickness or death), fluff and unconditional love. Hope you're all going to like it.
> 
> I don't own One Direction, all of this is pure fiction.

Louis and Harry have been living together for quite a while now. Louis is a young man around the age of twenty five and he has an incredible, nice paying job. There's just one thing he'd rather change about his life: his past. All he has ever known were family fights and the fact that no one ever accepted him the way he truly was. If he could only delete these memories of mind.. Then we have the twenty three year old Harry. Harry works as a songwriter for local bands and artist, and attempts to make it big someday. Though, his big breakthrough isn't going to come around anytime soon. In fact, he'll never get one at all. You're probably asking yourself why someone as talented as Harry never gets his chance in the industry, because who the hell on earth would say no to him ? However.. He was the problem, as odd as it might sound. Or no; the problem was inside of him. 

There's been a sickness running through his family for ages, and no one's safe to say he's healthy. His aunt, his dad, his sister.. And to tell you the truth, there was no hiding possible for Harry himself. Of course he had seen this coming long before he even met Louis and made sure he visited the hospital every few months for a check-up. There was this one Wednesday were he got a call because they've gotten the results of his check-up back, and was told that he was emerged to come to the hospital as soon as possible. He left worrying, and then the verdict came. This time his doctor didn't assure him that everything was going as fine as usual.. In his doctor's office, he was told to; "Please sit down, mister Styles. We have to talk."

 

You might understand that his entire world was caving in completely. He had been expecting everything but the call and talk - he expected to get a call from the management he worked for. He had been expecting a call from Louis, he had been expecting Louis telling him to 'come over to the place we met, I have a surprise for you.' Goddamn, he was expecting Louis to ask him to marry him. Really, really everything except 'you're going to die in less than two years, you're body is lighting up like a Christmas tree and there might not be enough time to save you.' From that Wednesday on, his life became a haze of more examinations and operations. He refused to tell anything to his loving boyfriend, and lied straight away about how those examinations were just to figure out why his migraine had gotten worse. And Louis never doubted whatever he said. He trusted him with his whole life, eyes closed. And as weird as it may sound - he was just too busy to even over think things twice. Yes, Louis knew that there was a sickness running in his boyfriend's family. He knew his boy had lost a few family members to it. But honestly, he just banned the thought of 'Harry might be next' out of his mind. Because neither of them felt like talking about their pasts, and all they really wanted was to take a new fresh start together. So they did. Harry's symptoms were too similar to migraine at the start, so what was the point out of worrying ?

 

But it becomes worse. Louis still buys his lies, and Harry keeps pretending as if it was the last thing he'd do. He sleeps a lot 'to fight his migraine', pukes a lot 'because his medicine was making him feel sick sometimes' and ends up being dizzy to nine times a day. He ends his treatment as his hair slowly falls out, piece by piece. He had to look good for Louis. He wanted to stay as 'healthy' as possible for as long as possible. He needed to be strong and act all tough.. There were just so many things he never wanted to give up on. He loved to make his man feel good after a long business trip, to cook for him, to go out with him.. And the most important thing to hold on to was being married to Louis. Fuck, that was his biggest wish. But if there's such less time left, then you've got nothing to wish for. In the meanwhile, Louis is as busy as ever with his job. He was passionate in what he did and got promoted quickly, having to go on trips every few weeks. He simply hasn't got any time to be with Harry as often as he wants to.

 

And that's when Harry decides that it has been enough. Both were stressed most of the time, and Harry only felt like being a burden after those weeks and months. He gave his (soon to be) fiancé even more problems and stress and can't live with his lies anymore, they're haunting him down. And so he disappears. He disappears completely. He hides and seeks for accommodation and lends a small apartment from a far away family friend who understands. The only thing he lefts behind is a letter. One of the nine letters he'll send - every letter stands for a year he has spend with Louis. And so it will be, every letter will have more of an explanation. His first letter is hidden between a pile of unfinished song lyrics.. 

 

After a few days of being on a business trip, Louis comes home pretty exhausted. It's already quite late, and somehow he's expecting to see Harry sleeping on the sofa like he always does when waiting for him. But this time, there's no soft music running on the background. It's quiet. It's dark. It's ice cold. And there's no Harry waiting for him. There's absolutely nothing in their flat that feels like home. And it's scaring him a hell of a lot, actually. What if.. Harry passed out ? What if he hurt himself ? What if he got a really bad migraine attack.. What if there wasn't an overly excited boyfriend but an unconscious body awaiting him ? Louis became nervous, not to say paranoia from those terrible thoughts and decided to check every single room in the apartment, seeking for any tracks of Harry. He screamed and yelled, slammed doors and bit his bottom lip in fear. He couldn't have just left the apartment around a quarter before midnight to make a walk without even leaving a post-it, that really wasn't any of his habits. Until he arrives into Harry's office room, where he finds every single document and sheet Harry owns on the floor. Just anything wasn't in its place. Thought, the only thing that caught is eyes were two letters. One of them is a mess of words, barely readable. The second one seems to clarify things a little better.. But never did he expect this.

 

'Dear Louis,' read the first letter. A new sentence followed. 'Don't worry about me, I'm fine -' the sentence abruptly ended and was words were getting crossed out, and Harry had tried again. 'Dear Louis, don't worry about me. I know you probably are, because that's who you are. I'm alright. I'm off to.. A friend.' A friend. A really uncomfortable feeling came up. Just a friend.. Of course, Why would Harry even cheat on him ? He shook his head to himself. 'It's not your fault, and I'm not really leaving you. I'm writing you nine letters to explain everything. Though, there will be no way to talk back. I promise you will understand - and I never lied to you before, you know that damn well. I love you a hell of a lot, baby. I'm sorry for scaring you so, so badly. But it'll be better this way. Yours sincerely, Harry x.'


	2. Chapter One

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Harry wrote and sent a new letter to Louis. Louis received it a month after Harry's dissapearance and read it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is rather short, but I will try to do my best to make the next few chapters longer. Hope you will still enjoy reading it.

Dear Louis,  
As the words we used to write down and pass these down in the middle of class, I'm writing you these letters. Every letter I'm going to write has its very own explanation and stands for one of the nine years we've spent together. This is my little diary of mixed up feeling and memories - and I just hope it'll help you process everything. In any case, it works out for me. I love you. I wish you to be brave, because love, I hate to see you cry. Yours sincerely, Harry Styles. x

We used to write these little notes during class - and oh, how do I remember your smile when you read my first note. "Hi", it read. Just because we ran into each other in the hallways, while we never ever really paid much attention to each other. Maybe that's why all of this just kind of happened - us being somewhere far away inside our minds. But alright.. Back to the point, although I'm still your sappy H. You looked at me with those heavenly blue eyes of yours and giggled softly, waving a little. You passed me another note and wrote back a messy "Oops." I couldn't help but smile and feel like my heart was beating as double as fast as it used to. That's why I'm a believer of love at the first sight, or in our case, probably our millionth. Although we were in class together for about two years, this one study hour and our bump-into-each-other, was the first time we really saw. We kept writing to each other every single study hour we had and somewhere along the way I came to know that your name was Louis Tomlinson. 

A name I dreamt of for months, imagining it to become my last name in the future. We exchanged numbers and soon went on our first date, to the park. I was so amazed by the fact you already drove a car, a baby blue Fiat you had gotten for your seventeenth birthday. We drove for a while and you had made a picnic. We sought for a quiet place and enjoyed the lovely spring weather until late night. I don't think I ever have laughed that much in years. We never talked about our pasts, but both weren't flawless. I figured you had caught up on the rumours on how I lost so many family members, and I figured that you weren't really welcome in your own home. So we understood each other and always changed subjects until tears were rolling down our faces from all the laughing we did instead. You poured us a glass of champagne and spoke of a future for the two of us. Before you could've sipped your champagne, I pushed you down onto the blanket we were sitting on, and I kissed you. You spilled your champagne over my hair, mine ended up on your face. You giggled (like a very cute manly giggle, as you later stated) and kissed me back. We closed our eyes and lay there for a while as our lips gently touched. It wasn't my first kiss, but it apparently was yours. 

It seemed to last forever, though, we gasped for air a good minute later. I just laughed and after another few minutes we decided to leave. You drove me home and kissed my lips again, making me blush - my cheeks could've easily been mistaken for your very own sugar sweet strawberry. Something nonetheless more important was that you felt like home to me. That was the most beautiful, yet most powerful thing I had ever experienced. So many memories followed. Good ones, bad ones. We started dating not so many days later and slowly developed a relationship. We also were each other's first times and made love unlike many others these days. Your gentlest touch and how we seemed to be made for each other..

It drove me crazy. It still does, sometimes.. Please, pretty darling, don't get me wrong. You always drive me crazy and leave me without any control for days and nights, and I've got to confess I'll be missing it. I am going to miss how your soft fingertips felt while tracing my (most of the time) freshly inked skin and how your lips were enough to get me over the edge. Even through a kiss, or those playful yet loveable whispers they brought forward. 

Those will sadly no longer be shared between the both of us. And it's because of me and my selfish needs and ways - and a hell of a lot other things I will need to explain. Never have I truly lied to you of course, only small nothings that were made to make everything a little easier. I promise you will understand later, somehow. This is no goodbye, this is no 'the end' for us.

It's sort of a new chapter for us both, and I'm going you to get you throughout the entire story. I will always love you - unconditionally. We're doing this together. Even if I'm not personally there to assist you. I'll be in your head and heart. I'll be in your (day)dreams. I will be there.

 

Forever yours, Harry. x


	3. Chapter Two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's been a month and a half. Another letter comes in the mail and Louis reads it, alone in the dark of the night and a bottle of Wodka next to him. He misses him. He misses him more than everything, and it's just been 45 without Harry.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is somewhat of a longer, but also more emotional chapter. Enjoy (or grab some tissues).  
> I'm sorry for the terrible 'the fault in our stars' references. x

Dear Louis,  
I haven't spoken to you in a while, and I'm missing you. I miss you, I miss you and I miss you more and more. It's cruel to tell you, because I'm the one who left. Still, I miss you more than anything in the world. Every second without you is unbearable, but we will never be completely without each other. In our hearts and minds. Although, we're half a heart without the part that makes us who we are. I do doubt my decisions on a daily basis, though, I'm sure this will be better for the both of us in the end. It's all still blurry and a haze, but I promise you'll find a way to find your way through those stormy and rainy letters. I really wish you can still look back with sunshine in your eyes, because you know I like you like that. I promise on trying to make a voice recording so you will always remember. Your voice is burned on my mind, and I'll hear it until the day I die. Promise the missing will get better, the emptiness will be filled later. I love you. I love you. I love you. I fucking love you. H x

Instead of being a bundle of negative energy, I'm going to try to make you smile by telling our most beautiful moments together. Those are important, because laughing heals the heart and soul. Which we might need. Though, I just want to cherish the adventures and 'shit' we shared. Because baby, we are golden. We are the brightest shining diamonds in a lonely black sky. Together or apart, we are good. Never were. We still are. And we will always be. 

Something that I feel like sharing with you again, is that one time where we were supposed to clean the gym. We were barely started, and all of a sudden you pressed me against the floor and kissed me deep and passionate. I remember you crawling on top of me as your lips curled into the most beautiful smile I had ever seen. We were only three months together, but I knew I wanted to give you my all. I kissed you back and your hands touched the skin underneath my gym shirt and all of a sudden, our giggles were all over the place. We laid there for a good ten minutes, sharing the most tender touches and kisses. Until we almost got caught. We quickly jumped up and got fully dressed again, but our hair was a mess. You took my hand and ran away with me. I, accidently locked us up in the janitors closet. Little did I know you were claustrophobic, but it seemed alright once I put both my hands on your rosy cheeks to hold and caress them. We were kissing all over again. We missed a one hour course and it took us over half an hour more to get out. Which we did. We acted like nothing happened, but Liam knew. He smiled at us and mumbled about how foolish we were. 

We were fools, you and I. I was a fool falling for you and your ocean blue eyes, and you adored my curly hair and emerald green eyes. You and I liked boys, and we were the matching and winning couple. I remember us holding hands the rest of the day, not being ashamed or scared. Not that day, not on our day.

Louis, this is probably the cutest, and weirdest thing we've ever done together. We've talked about it a while ago and it did lit up the light in your eyes. Something that happened again now, hopefully. You're precious. You're lovely. You are loved. I love the way you and your eyes smile.

And you know, darling, I wish there weren't any consequences to talk about. It might feel harsh and unnecessary, but it has to be done. And the thing that has to be told and done, is telling you a story I've held behind. I know I mentioned before. Though, I need to remind you. Need to keep you down to earth, because as much as I love you, I'm not coming back.

It started during the summer break of our first year together, right after you left on a vacation with one of your friends. I needed you those three few weeks, baby. And you weren't there, but I learned to handle the pain and depression it brought (and was going to bring) me. Which is why I never told you before. 

As you know, many members of my family have died when I was pretty young. Of course - this is a thing you know about, but this isn't just where it all ends. It was the end of a beginning. You were always so tragically, beautifully brave and put on a happy smile and I guess I never wanted to break it to you. Until now. I mean - I still don't want to ruin your illusion of a happily ever after together, Louis. Because I know how much it means to you. We're supposed to be the fairytale we've never got to play and live out when we were younger.

Okay, I need to tell you the story. I know. No more refusing to hurt anyone. No more. Even the prettiest daisies and dreams need to be crushed just once, just to bloom again. In a new way. In a new place. And I'm sorry for having you being crushed almost every day of your life. But baby, so am I. Crushed. Broken. Shattered to pieces. Although I won't be able to bloom ever again.

Although, we need this. You need this. No more 'lies' and hiding. So, here it is. Written with poisoned black ink as the blood running through my even more poisoned veins. After the day you had left the town, I was asked to come over to the hospital for what seemed to be nothing more than a regular check-up. Because of the headaches I had most of the time, and because they made me feel sick and dizzy. They took a blood sample to investigate. I never had felt more anxious than right in that moment. It could make me (healthy) or break (no need to explain, right) me. And although they later told me that I wasn't sick and my body wasn't making me light up like a Christmas tree just yet, I sensed something was wrong. Just a migraine, they told me. I never believed nor bought it anyway, yet I took lots of medication to make myself feel better. To look good and great for you.

But deep inside, I knew better. A thousand of doctors could've diagnosed me with nothing more than a simple migraine - and I would still refuse to believe any of it. Because I lost too many relatives to a sickness with symptoms that must've been quite similar to 'being nauseous and having headaches' in their early stages. And deep inside, I was waiting for my immune system to stop working like it used to. And I awaited everything else.

Although, never would I've shown anyone. There's this thing about not wanting to hurt your loved ones - but somehow you'll end up having to do it anyway. I'd rather save the hurting for the last. I was going to set myself free from the ones I loved, I already knew from an early age. Just in time not to blow everything up. And Louis, as much as I like to read John Green's books, I never wanted to become Hazel Grace Lancaster. But I became her in an even more sophisticated way of existing. I also was a grenade for as long as I could remember. And even now, I still am a grenade. Because dear darling, I'm pushing you away. 

Gently. And - well, not all at once. But I am. I am your own, very much sickening version of Hazel Grace. Sucking you into all of this, and having you spit out in all of its misery.

To make this very long, and complicated letter short; I knew deep inside that I was going to die as soon as I met you. Though, I've never come off as being suicidal. When you were here, next to me, you healed me. The smiles I made were far from fake. You made me happier than anything in the world. Which needs to be told. You're still my source of happiness and light. You're a star in a completely dark universe.

Love, love. I knew I could've told you this in another way. I've could've written more than one letter, I've could've separated the memories from the falling. But I didn't. Because of me being me. Being your mess. And darling, I never want to be someone else's mess. I'm yours.

I am yours forever.

With a few letters still to come.. 

Yet - yours forever.

Louis,  
Goddamnit,

Forever yours,  
Harry. x

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading this! I hope you all liked it so far. In case you did, you can always tweet me (@Iouiswonderland), leave a comment or send me an ask on Tumblr (http://toomanybandmemberstofuck.tumblr.com/ask). Also thank you to the one's who helped me and beta'd this :)


End file.
